Understanding Mother Loss: Grief, Identity, and the Impact of Absence
Article by Elysia Bullen
Registered Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Perth, Western Australia
The loss of a mother can be one of the most profound and life-shaping experiences a person encounters. This is because the bond we share with our mothers from the womb lays the template for our first experience of love and connection. When that connection is severed, whether due to complications at birth, illness or death of the mother, or compromised maternal mental health, we can experience a strong disconnection from ourselves and our place in the world.
What Is Mother Loss?
Mother loss is not a single or uniform experience. While the death of a mother is a clearly recognised loss, many people grieve a mother who is still alive but emotionally unavailable or unsafe. This may include loss related to:
- Death at any stage of life
- Chronic illness, dementia, or addiction
- Emotional neglect or lack of attunement
- Estrangement or family rupture
- Inconsistent or unsafe caregiving
- Cultural separation, migration, or adoption
These experiences are often described as ambiguous loss—a form of grief without clear resolution or social recognition. Ambiguous loss can be especially painful because the person is both present and absent at the same time.
Physical Death and Ongoing Grief
When a mother dies, grief rarely follows a neat or linear path. Even in loving relationships, grief may coexist with anger, guilt, relief, or unresolved longing. In complicated or painful relationships, the loss can include grief for what never was. Grief often changes rather than disappears. It may soften with time, yet re-emerge during periods of stress, anniversaries, or major life transitions. Cultural expectations to “move on” can contribute to shame and emotional isolation.
Ambiguous Mother Loss
Ambiguous mother loss can be particularly challenging because it is often minimised or misunderstood. Individuals may question whether they are “allowed” to grieve someone who is still alive or who did not fulfil a traditional maternal role.
Ambiguous loss can then be compounded when an actual death occurs. As adults, this can leave us with a mélange of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness, and a yearning for maternal connection.
Making Space for Mother Loss in Counselling
Counselling can provide a validating space where mother loss is named and explored without judgement or pressure to forgive, reconcile, or move on. Informed by lived experience, I provide unique, specialised support for men and women who have experienced mother loss. You do not need to have lost your mother to physical death in order to access this support. Our therapeutic work together may involve acknowledging the loss, understanding how early attachment experiences shape present patterns, and supporting grief that may have been delayed or disenfranchised. For many, this includes grieving both what was lost and what was never received.
Talking about this topic can sometimes bring up traumatic memories or other emotional distress. I am comfortable sitting in this space with you and bring patience and compassion to your experience. If you'd like to get in touch to chat about your experiences, please contact me for an obligation-free 15-minute phone call or email me via [email protected] to get the conversation started today.
Written by Elysia Bullen
Registered Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Email: [email protected]
Ph: 0414 932 783
Mount Lawley Counselling Centre
13 Alvan Street
Mt Lawley (Perth), WA 6050
About the Author - Elysia Bullen
- Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Elysia is a registered counsellor and psychotherapist (PACFA) and her approach is centred around collaboration, compassion, and creating a safe and trusting environment for her clients to explore what's most meaningful for them. Elysia supports clients aged 16+ through a range of concerns such as anxiety, depression, grief and loss, trauma, chronic health and lifestyle concerns, and more.
For more information, please see Elysia Bullen's profile page