Family and domestic violence (FDV):
How did this happen to me?
Article by Jayde Lecerf
Psychotherapist and Counsellor
Perth, Western Australia
“How did this happen to me?”
If you have experienced family and domestic violence, you may have asked yourself, “How did this happen to me?”
You might be experiencing a mix of emotions such as confusion, shame, anger, sadness or embarrassment. Many victim-survivors also carry a sense of self-blame – believing they should have recognised the abuse sooner, left earlier or done something differently. These thoughts can be very common, but it’s important to know abuse is never the fault of the victim-survivor.
Even though it may feel that way, experiencing abuse is not a reflection of your worth, your strength or who you are as a person. While family and domestic violence can happen to anyone, abusive relationships are rarely simple – they often form within complex emotional, psychological and relational dynamics that can make them difficult to recognise, understand or leave.
How abuse can begin
Family and domestic violence does not always start with obvious harm. Many abusive relationships begin with intense connection, affection and a sense of feeling seen, valued or understood. The person may appear attentive, charming and emotionally invested – not only to you, but to friends and family as well.
Over time, the dynamic may shift. In some relationships this happens slowly and subtly. What initially feels like care, concern or protectiveness may gradually become:
- Criticism or put-downs disguised as “jokes”
- Jealousy framed as love or concern
- Pressure to prioritise the relationship above your own needs
- Monitoring of your time, phone, finances or relationships
- A growing sense of anxiety or “walking on eggshells”
In some relationships, abuse can escalate quickly. This can be especially true when someone is already feeling vulnerable – perhaps struggling with low self-esteem, self-doubt, a strong desire to feel loved or a tendency to prioritise others’ needs over their own. This does not place blame on the victim-survivor, rather, it helps us understand how perpetrators may take advantage of vulnerability to gain power and control in the relationship.
Vulnerability and self-doubt
Family and domestic violence can have a profound impact on a victim-survivor’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Perpetrators often seek power and control within the relationship, and undermining a person’s confidence can become part of that dynamic. Over time, repeated criticism, shaming, gaslighting and manipulation can diminish confidence and plant seeds of doubt about your value, your abilities and your worth.
For someone who already carries earlier wounds around self-esteem or self-worth, these tactics can feel especially powerful. If you already struggle to believe your value or your worth, hearing statements such as “no one else will want you” or “no one else will love you like I do” can echo existing self-doubt. This can make it harder to recognise these behaviours as manipulation.
Adverse childhood experiences including abuse, neglect or witnessing family and domestic violence can also shape the lens through which we see ourselves and relationships in adulthood. Early experiences often become a template for what feels familiar, acceptable or “normal.” Early exposure to dysfunctional dynamics or abuse can make it more difficult to recognise controlling and abusive behaviours as “red flags” or early warning signs in adult relationships. Although this may not be relevant to all victim-survivors, it can be helpful to identify any patterns in your relationships to help make sense of your experience.
“Why didn’t I just leave?”
This is a question many victim-survivors ask themselves. It is also a question that friends, family or others may ask – often without understanding the complexity or risk involved in leaving an abusive relationship.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not a simple decision. In fact, leaving is often the most dangerous time for victim-survivors, as abuse can often escalate.
You might have stayed or struggled to leave for many valid reasons, including:
- Fear of retaliation or escalation
- Children and concern for their wellbeing
- Financial dependence or lack of resources
- Disability, illness or mental health impacts
- Shame and fear of being judged
- Having your confidence and sense of self worn down over time
You may have held onto the hope that love would eventually heal the relationship or believed that when they said “I love you” it meant they were capable of empathy and change. Holding onto that hope can keep victim-survivors feeling stuck in a cycle, where leaving feels not only difficult, but like giving up on something that still might improve.
Making sense of your experience
If you have experienced family and domestic violence, it is common to feel overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. Counselling offers a safe and confidential space for you to explore what happened, process your experience and begin shaping the path forward. It takes an enormous amount of strength and resilience to survive domestic violence. Therapy can support you to reconnect with your inner resources and rebuild your sense of self.
Counselling may help you to:
- Make sense of your experience
- Understand the impact of coercive control
- Work through feelings of shame, guilt, anger or grief
- Identify and understand patterns in your relationships
- Reconnect with your sense of self, values and needs
- Strengthen boundaries and foster safe relationships
If you would like to make an appointment, please contact Jayde by:
Phone: 0419 430 836
Email: [email protected]
Mount Lawley Counselling Centre
13 Alvan Street
Mt Lawley (Perth), WA 6050
About the Author - Jayde Lecerf
- Psychotherapist and Counsellor
Jayde is an experienced and empathic therapist who provides client-focused counselling with a warm, strength-based approach. She creates a safe, supportive, and non-judgemental environment where individuals feel genuinely heard, understood, and respected. With a background in both psychology and social work, Jayde offers a holistic and flexible therapeutic style tailored to each client's unique needs.
For more information, please see Jayde Lecerf's profile page
Related Article: Family and Domestic Violence - also by Jayde Lecerf