Perfectionism

Leonie Sinclair

Psychologist AHPRA, MAPS
Perth, WA

Perfectionism in its healthy form is motivating and energizing. The attention to detail and the desire to succeed lead to worthwhile achievements and accomplishment. It becomes unhealthy when no matter how high a level is achieved, a sense of satisfaction is not felt. It is characterised by setting unrelenting standards that result in self-criticism when these standards are not met. This personality style often leads to anxiety and/or depression.

The irony of wanting to be so good, is feeling so bad.

Perfectionism usually begins early in life, as a result of linking self-esteem, love and approval to high achievement, or getting things right. Talented or gifted children, and children raised by parents with high expectations are prone to this personality style. People with this personality style often have Obsessive-Compulsive tendencies, which also have positive and negative aspects.

The benefits of being a high achiever are motivation, determination, and drive. For example, elite athletes have a Perfectionistic personality style. The negative aspect is that the individual is rarely made happy by their success. Only 100%, brilliance, or being exceptional are good enough to evoke happiness, and this is often a fleeting feeling before the next goal is set.

Fear of failure is the flip side of the desire to succeed. Fear of failure to meet the idealized high standards can lead to a disabling lack of motivation, anxiety, and depression - resulting in inaction and underachievement. The belief that there is no point in doing things unless they can be done well limits exposure to a range of experiences.

The perfectionist is usually a victim of cognitive distortions such as:

• All-or-nothing thinking -'If I'm not great I'm a failure/unlovable/unworthy.'
• Negative mental filter - listening for criticism, noticing faults
• Disqualifying the positive - ignoring compliments, achievements
• Magnification (Catastrophizing) or minimization - disregarding reality
• Emotional Reasoning- 'If I'm the best I'll be happy/loved.'

Strategies for improving quality of life

The first step in overcoming Perfectionism is acknowledging that this personality style does not have to dominate your life, and can be modified by attending to the thoughts that contribute to the suffering. It is important to recognize the inner voice that is constantly criticizing, the inner voice that encourages the fear of not being good enough. The Perfectionist needs to learn thought-stopping techniques so that success and feelings of self-worth are not sabotaged or eroded by self-criticism that is not realistically based.

Perfectionists often have an aversion to the notion of being 'normal' or average. Giving up the notion of specialness is part of maturing, as we recognize that we have more in common with our fellows than we previously believed or recognized.

Aim to become an Optimalist by:

• Setting the ideal as a guideline that can be worked towards, but does not have to be achieved all the time.
• Noticing success, and not minimizing or dismissing it.
• Fully taking in the pleasure of achievement.
• Accepting mistakes as part of learning.
• Accepting mistakes as part of being human.
• Enjoying the freedom that comes from realistic rather than too high expectations.
• Accepting that love does not follow brilliance. The person at the top is often lonely. Remembering that beauty fades, talents change over time, and that what one values changes over the lifespan.

What we focus on we strengthen.

Please contact Leonie on 0421 113 007 or email if you would like to make an appointment.

Leonie Sinclair
Psychologist & Psychotherapist
Perth WA

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